What do you think of my extract?

I would like to congratulate you. Out of all the questions I have read like this, you are the only one to start a new line when someone talks. Thank you.! I think the sentences could use some variation and when describing something, try and use two of the human senses, and generally tidy up the sentence structure and the pace of the story otherwise the readers gets confused and the characters seem to be everywhere. Hope this helps.